Letter 14.1

From many letters and from everyone's conversation I hear that your courage and strength are beyond belief, and that you are not worn down by either mental or bodily hardship. How wretched I am, that a woman of your courage, loyalty, integrity, and kindness has fallen into such misery because of me; and that our Tulliola, who used to receive such happiness from her father, now receives such sorrow from him. And what am I to say about young Cicero? From the moment he first began to understand, he has known the bitterest grief and misery. If, as you write, I thought these things had happened by fate, I would bear them a little more easily. But all of them happened through my fault. I thought I was loved by men who envied me; I did not follow those who sought me. If we had used our own judgment, and if the talk of foolish or dishonest friends had not had so much power over us, we would have lived in complete happiness. Now, since our friends tell us to hope, I will do my best to keep my health from failing your efforts. I understand how great the matter is, and how much easier it would have been to remain at home than to return. Still, if we have all the tribunes, if Lentulus is as eager as he seems, and if Pompey and Caesar are also with us, we must not despair. About the slaves, we will do what you say our friends think best. As for this place, the epidemic has by now departed; while it lasted, it did not touch me. Plancius, the kindest of men, wants me to stay with him and still keeps me from leaving. I wanted to be in a less crowded part of Epirus, where neither Hispo nor soldiers would come, but so far Plancius keeps me here. He hopes he may perhaps leave his province for Italy in my company. If I ever see that day, come once more into your arms, and recover you all and myself, I will think I have gathered enough from both your devotion and my own. Piso's kindness, virtue, and affection toward all of us are so great that nothing can surpass them. I hope his conduct brings him pleasure; I see clearly that it will bring him glory. I did not mean to criticize you about my brother Quintus. I only wanted all of you, especially since there are so few of you, to be as closely united as possible. I have thanked those you wanted me to thank and told them that I learned of their help from you. As for what you say in your letter, my dear Terentia, about intending to sell the village, alas, in heaven's name, what will become of you? And if the same misfortune continues to pursue us, what will become of our poor boy? I cannot write the rest; I have broken down in violent weeping, and I do not want to reduce you to the same tears. I add only this. If my friends remain loyal, money will not be lacking. If they do not, you will not be able to achieve our purpose from your own purse. In the name of our unhappy fortunes, beware of completing the boy's ruin. If he has enough to keep him from absolute want, he will need only moderate character and moderate luck for the rest. Take care of your health, and make sure you send letter-carriers, so that I may know what is going on and what all of you are doing. In any case I have only a short time to wait. Give my love to Tulliola and Cicero. Farewell. I have come to Dyrrachium because it is a free city, very kindly disposed to me, and the nearest point to Italy. But if the crowded condition of the place troubles me, I will go somewhere else and write to you.

LXXXI (Fam. XIV, 1) TO TERENTIA PARTLY WRITTEN AT THESSALONICA, PARTLY AT DYRRACHIUM, 28 NOVEMBER: Greetings to his Terentia , Tulliola , and Cicero . I learn, both from the letters of many and the conversation of all whom I meet, that you are showing a virtue and courage surpassing belief; and that you give no sign of fatigue in mind or body from your labours. Ah me! To think that a woman of your virtue, fidelity, uprightness, and kindness should have fallen into such troubles on my account! And that my little Tullia should reap such a harvest of sorrow from the father, from whom she used to receive such abundant joys! For why mention my boy Cicero , who from the first moment of conscious feeling has been made aware of the bitterest sorrows and miseries? And if, as you say, I had thought these things the work of destiny, I could have borne them somewhat more easily, but they were really all brought about by my own fault, in thinking myself beloved by those who were really jealous of me, and in not joining those who really wanted me. But if I had followed my own judgment, and had not allowed the observations of friends, who were either foolish or treacherous, to have such great influence with me, we should have been living at the height of bliss. As it is, since friends bid us hope, I will do my best to prevent my weakness of health from failing to second your efforts. I fully understand the magnitude of the difficulty, and how much easier it will turn out to have been to stay at home than to get back. However, if we have all the tribunes on our side, if we find Lentulus as zealous as he appears to be, if, finally, we have Pompey and Caesar , there is no reason to despair. About our slaves, we will do what you say is the opinion of our friends. As to this place, by this time the epidemic has taken its departure; but while it lasted, it did not touch me. Plancius , the kindest of men, desires me to stay with him and still keeps me from departing. I wanted to be in a less frequented district in Epirus , to which neither Hispo nor soldiers would come, but as yet Plancius keeps me from going; he hopes that he may possibly quit his province for Italy in my company. And if ever I see that day, and come once more into your arms, and if I ever recover you all and myself, I shall consider that I have reaped a sufficient harvest both of your piety and my own. Piso 's kindness, virtue, and affection toward us all are so great that nothing can surpass them. I hope his conduct may be a source of pleasure to him, a source of glory I see clearly that it will be. I did not mean to find fault with you about my brother Quintus , but I wished that you all, especially considering how few there are of you, should be as closely united as possible. Those whom you wished me to thank I have thanked, and told them that my information came from you. As to what you say in your letter, my dear Terentia , about your intention of selling the village, alas! in heaven's name, what will become of you? And if the same ill-fortune continues to pursue us, what will become of our poor boy? I cannot write the rest — so violent is my outburst of weeping, and I will not reduce you to the same tearful condition. I only add this: if my friends remain loyal to me, there will be no lack of money; if not, you will not be able to effect our object out of your own purse. In the name of our unhappy fortunes, beware how we put the finishing stroke to the boy's ruin. If he has something to keep him from absolute want, he will need only moderate character and moderate luck to attain the rest. See to your health, and mind you send me letter-carriers, that I may know what is going on and what you are all doing. I have in any case only a short time to wait. Give my love to Tulliola and Cicero . Good-bye. P.S.-I have come to Dyrrachium both because it is a free state, very kindly disposed to me, and the nearest point to Italy . But if the crowded condition of the place offends me, I shall take myself elsewhere and I will write you word.

I. Scr. Dyrrhachii a. d. VI. Kal. Decembres a.u.c. 696. TULLIUS TERENTIAE SUAE, TULLIOLAE SUAE, CICERONI SUO SALUTEM DICIT. Et litteris multorum et sermone omnium perfertur ad me incredibilem tuam virtutem et fortitudinem esse teque nec animi neque corporis laboribus defatigari. Me miserum! te ista virtute, fide, probitate, humanitate in tantas aerumnas propter me incidisse, Tulliolamque nostram, ex quo patre tantas voluptates capiebat, ex eo tantos percipere luctus! Nam quid ego de Cicerone dicam? qui cum primum sapere coepit, acerbissimos dolores miseriasque percepit. Quae si, tu ut scribis, fato facta putarem, ferrem paullo facilius, sed omnia sunt mea culpa commissa, qui ab iis me amari putabam, qui invidebant, eos non sequebar, qui petebant. Quod si nostris consiliis usi essemus neque apud nos tantum valuisset sermo aut stultorum amicorum aut improborum, beatissimi viveremus: nunc, quoniam sperare nos amici iubent, dabo operam, ne mea valetudo tuo labori desit. Res quanta sit, intelligo, quantoque fuerit facilius manere domi quam redire; sed tamen, si omnes tribunos pl. habemus, si Lentulum tam studiosum, quam videtur, si vero etiam Pompeium et Caesarem, non est desperandum. De familia, quomodo placuisse scribis amicis, faciemus. De loco, nunc quidem iam abiit pestilentia, sed, quamdiu fuit, me non attigit. Plancius, homo officiosissimus, me cupit esse secum et adhuc retinet. Ego volebam loco magis deserto esse in Epiro, quo neque Piso veniret nec milites, sed adhuc Plancius me retinet: sperat posse fieri, ut mecum in Italiam decedat; quem ego diem si videro et si in vestrum complexum venero ac si et vos et me ipsum recuperaro, satis magnum mihi fructum videbor percepisse et vestrae pietatis et meae. Pisonis humanitas, virtus, amor in omnes nos tantus est, ut nihil supra possit: utinam ea res ei voluptati sit! gloriae quidem video fore. De Q. fratre nihil ego te accusavi, sed vos, cum praesertim tam pauci sitis, volui esse quam coniunctissimos. Quibus me voluisti agere gratias, egi et me a te certiorem factum esse scripsi. Quod ad me, mea Terentia, scribis te vicum vendituram, quid, obsecro te—me miserum!—, quid futurum est? et, si nos premet eadem fortuna, quid puero misero fiet? Non queo reliqua scribere—tanta vis lacrimarum est—, neque te in eundem fletum adducam; tantum scribo: si erunt in officio amici, pecunia non deerit; si non erunt, tu efficere tua pecunia non poteris. Per fortunas miseras nostras, vide, ne puerum perditum perdamus; cui si aliquid erit, ne egeat, mediocri virtute opus est et mediocri fortuna, ut cetera consequatur. Fac valeas et ad me tabellarios mittas, ut sciam, quid agatur et vos quid agatis. Mihi omnino iam brevis exspectatio est. Tulliolae et Ciceroni salutem dic. Valete. D. a d. VI. Kal. Decembr. Dyrrhachio. Dyrrhachium veni, quod et libera civitas est et in me officiosa et proxima Italiae; sed, si offendet me loci celebritas, alio me conferam, ad te scribam.