Letter 228

Since you give good reasons why I cannot see you at present, please consider what I am to do. Although Caesar holds Alexandria, he seems ashamed even to send a dispatch about it, while the others are apparently on the point of coming here from Africa, and those in Achaia are either going to return from Asia to join them or stop in some neutral place. So what do you think I should do? I see that advice is difficult. I am the one and only person, except perhaps one other, who cannot return to one party and has no hope at all offered by the other. Still, I would like to know what you think. That was one reason, among others, why I would have liked to see you, if it were possible. I told you before that Minucius has paid only one hundred. Please see that the rest is provided. Quintus used the bitterest language in his letter instead of an earnest appeal, and his son showed extraordinary hostility. There is no imaginable evil by which I am not oppressed. But all of them are lighter to bear than my sense of guilt. That is crushing and permanent. If I had those people I thought I had to share that guilt, it would still be some consolation, poor though it would be. But everyone else's case has some way out; mine has none. Some were captured, some cut off, so there is no doubt about their intentions, especially since they have extricated themselves and joined forces again. Even those who came of their own accord to Fufius can only be thought cowards. But many will be taken back, however they choose to return to the fold. So you ought not to be surprised that I cannot bear up under all my sorrow. I am the one and only person whose mistake cannot be repaired, except perhaps Laelius - and what help is that? They say even Gaius Cassius has changed his mind about going to Alexandria. I write this not in the hope that you can remove my anxiety, but to know whether you have any suggestion about the things that wear me out. To the rest you may add my son-in-law and other matters that tears prevent me from writing. Even Aesopus' son grieves me sorely. Nothing at all is lacking to make me the most miserable of men. But I return to the first point. What do you think I should do: come secretly somewhere nearer Rome, or cross the sea? I cannot stay here any longer. Why could nothing be settled about Fufidius' estate? The arrangement is one about which there is usually no dispute, since the share that seems smaller can be made up by the proceeds of the sale. I have a reason for asking. I suspect my co-heirs think my case doubtful and therefore prefer to keep the matter open. Farewell. May 14.

Since you give good reasons why I cannot see you at the present time, pray consider what I am to do. For although Caesar holds Alexandria, he seems to be ashamed even to send a dispatch about it, while the others are apparently on the eve of coming here from Africa, and those in Achaia too are either going to return from Asia to join them or they are going to stop in some neutral place. So what do you think I am to do? I see advice is difficult. For I am the one and only person—except perhaps one other, who cannot return to the one party and who has no hope at all offered him from the other. Still I should like to know what you think: and that was one reason, among others, why I should have liked to see you, if it were possible. I told you before that Minucius has only paid £100. Please see that the rest is provided. Quintus in his letter instead of an earnest appeal used the most bitter language, and his son showed extraordinary animosity. There is no conceivable ill with which I am not oppressed. But all of them are lighter to bear than my sense of guilt: that is overwhelming and enduring. If I were to have those, whom I thought I had, to share that guilt, that would still be some consolation, though a poor one. But every one else's case admits of some way out, mine of none. Some were captured, some cut off, so there is no doubt about their intentions, especially since they have extricated themselves and joined forces again. Nay even those, who of their own free will came to Fufius, can only be thought cowards. But there are many who will be taken back, however they choose to take themselves back to the fold. So you ought not to be surprised that I cannot bear up against all my sorrow. For I am the one and only person whose slip cannot be mended, except perhaps Laelius—and what good is that?—for they say even C. Cassius has changed his mind about going to Alexandria. This I am writing to you not in the hope that you may remove my care, but to know whether you have any suggestion to make about the things that are wearing me out: to the rest you may add my son-in-law and other things which tears prevent me from writing. Why, even Aesopus' son grieves me sorely. There is absolutely nothing wanting to make me the most miserable of men. But I return to the first point. What do you think I ought to do, come secretly somewhere nearer Rome, or cross the sea? For stay here any longer I cannot. Why could nothing be settled about Fufidius' estate? For the arrangement was one about which there is generally no dispute, since the share, which seems smaller, can be made up by the proceeds of the sale. I have a reason for asking. For I suspect my co-heirs think my case is doubtful, and so prefer to keep the matter open. Farewell. May 14.

[1] quoniam iustas causas adfers quor te hoc tempore videre non possim, quaeso, (cogita) quid sit mihi faciendum. ille enim ita videtur Alexandream tenere ut eum scribere etiam pudeat de illis rebus, hi autem ex Africa iam adfuturi videntur, Achaici, item ex Asia redituri ad eos aut libero aliquo loco commoraturi. quid mihi igitur putas agendum? video difficile esse consilium. sum enim solus aut cum altero cui neque ad illos reditus sit neque ab his ipsis quicquam ad spem ostendatur. sed tamen scire velim quid censeas; idque erat cum aliis cur te, si fieri posset, cuperem videre. [2] Minucium X_I_I_ sola curasse scripsi ad te antea. quod superest velim videas ut curetur. Quintus non modo non cum magna prece ad me sed acerbissime scripsit, filius vero mirifico odio. nihil fingi potest mali quo non urgear. omnia tamen sunt faciliora quam peccati dolor qui et maximus est et aeternus. cuius peccati si socios essem habiturus ego quos putavi, tamen esset ea consolatio tenuis. sed habet aliorum omnium ratio exitum, mea nullum. Alii capti, alii interclusi non veniunt in dubium de voluntate, eo minus scilicet cum se expedierint et una esse coeperint. ii autem ipsi qui sua voluntate ad Fufium venerunt nihil possunt nisi timidi existimari. multi autem sunt qui, quocumque modo ad illos se recipere volent, recipientur. quo minus debes mirari non posse me tanto dolori resistere. solius enim meum peccatum corrigi non potest et fortasse Laeli. sed quid me id levat? nam C. quidem Cassium aiunt consilium Alexandream eundi mutavisse. [3] haec ad te scribo, non ut quem tuam demere sollicitudinem sed ut cognoscam ecquid tu ad ea adferas quae me conficiunt; ad quae gener accedit et cetera quae fletu reprimor ne scribam. quin etiam Aesopi filius me ex cruciat. prorsus nihil abest quin sim miserrimus. sed ad primum revertor quid putes faciendum, occultene aliquo propius veniendum an mare transeundum. nam hic maneri diutius non potest [4] (de) Fufidianis qua re nihil potuit confici? genus enim condicionis eius modi fuit in quo non solet esse controversia, cum ea pars quae videtur esse minor licitatione expleri posset. hoc ego non sine causa quaero. suspicor enim coheredes dubiam nostram causam putare et eo rem in integro esse malle. vale. Pr. Idus Maias.