Letter 201.5

To Antoninus Augustus, my lord. 1. "First the deed, then the record"-so say those who keep their account-books with care. The same maxim suits this letter, which only now, at last, answers the one you wrote to me not long ago. The cause of the delay was this: when I had set myself to write back, certain things presented themselves to my mind that were not to be set down, as the saying goes, with the beak pointing skyward [i.e. carelessly, in passing]. Then the day of the Senate came between, and the labor of the Senate was felt the more heavily because, having entered together with my joy, it had sunk in all the deeper-just as the wind does when it comes together with the sun. Now this letter, since it was not on hand at its proper time, asks the indulgence customary in postponements: "Let it work no prejudice." 2. When I received your letter, I had begun to write back thus: "Love me as you love me," you say. It is in my mind to answer this phrase with somewhat more words; for I used to write back to you at greater length in those days when, as you yourself show, it was sufficiently established in your mind that you were loved by me. Take care, I beg you, that you do not cheat your very self and of your own accord ask for a loss of love. For I would have you believe me that you are loved by me more fully by just so much as, in all things, a sure present enjoyment is preferable to the uncertain hope of one to come. Shall I, who loved the natural bent of your genius even then, when it was still in the seed and in the blade and in the flower, now not love far, far more abundantly the very fruit of your ripened excellence? Then I should be reckoned the most stupid of all countrymen and all plowmen, if the sown crops were dearer to me than the harvests. 3. But I, having obtained the things I wished and the things I vowed, master of my wishes and my vows, have been condemned and fined: against that fine I pay over my doubled love for you-not, as it was the custom of old to impose fines, at a thousand less by half. It belongs to a dry-nurse to love an infant more than a grown child; and a foolish nurse is even apt to be angry with adolescence, because the boy has been taken from her lap and handed over to the field or the forum. Those schoolmasters too love their pupils more so long as they are learning the lessons of boyhood and paying their fees. But when I came to the care and cultivation of your genius, I hoped you would be what you now are: it was upon these present times of yours that I bent my love. There shone in your boyhood your inborn excellence; it shone even more in your youth, but in such a way as when a clear day grows light with a light only begun. Now already your excellence has risen whole, with a brilliant disk, and has scattered abroad its rays. And do you call me back to that former measure of your dawning love for me, and bid the morning's first faint light shine at midday? Hear, I beg you, how much greater is the excellence you now have than the one you had before, so that you may more easily believe how much more love you deserve-and may cease to demand only just as much. 4. So that I may begin to set you in comparison against your own self, starting from your filial devotion, I will recall your former dutiful attentions toward your father and compare them with your present services. Who does not know that, when your father was less than well, you used to go without the bath alongside him, to deny yourself wine, and even water and food? That you never, at any time, made room for sleep or waking or food or travel at your own proper hours, but were a servant to your father's hours? [very many pages are missing]

To my Lord Antoninus Augustus. 1. First done, then entered , say they who keep their books carefully. The same saying is applicable to this letter, which now at last answers your recent one to me. The reason of the delay has been that, when I made up my mind to write, some things came into my mind, which could not be written down beak in air , as the saying is. Then intervened the sitting of the Senate, and the labour it entailed was felt the more heavily in that, being simultaneous with my joy, it had taken deeper hold of me, just as the wind when combined with the sun. Now this letter, as it was not forthcoming at its due time, asks the indulgence usual in postponements, that it be without prejudice . 2. When I received your letter, I began my answer thus— Love me as you do love me , you say: I propose to answer this phrase somewhat less briefly. For I used to answer your letters more at length in those days when, as you yourself shew, you were sufficiently assured of my love for you. Look, I beseech you, that you do not rob yourself, and of your own accord demand a diminution of love, for I would have you believe that you are so much more fully loved by me now, as in all things a present certain fruition exceeds an uncertain hope in the future. Shall not I, who loved the native quality of your genius even then, when in bud and in leaf and in flower, love now far far more deeply the very fruit of your matured excellence? Then should I be deemed the most blockish of all country swains and all ploughmen, if I valued what was sown above what was harvested. I indeed, being granted all that I wished and prayed for, have been cast and fined in my very wishes and prayers: to meet that fine I put in my doubled love for you, not, as was the custom in old time for fines to be inflicted, at the rate of half less a thousand (asses). A dry-nurse commonly loves a baby more than an older child; a foolish nurse is even prone to be angry with adolescence for taking away her boy from her arms and giving him over to the playground or the forum. Your instructors of youth too love their pupils more while they learn boyhood's lessons and pay their fees. When I was called to the care and cultivation of your natural powers, I hoped you would be what you now are; I carried my love on to these your present days. Conspicuous in your boyhood was your innate excellence; even more conspicuous was it in your youth; but in such a way as when a cloudless day begins to break with newly-dawning light. Now already your full excellence has risen with dazzling disc and spread its rays on every side: and yet you call me back to that bygone measure of my dawning love for you, and bid the morning twilight shine at noonday! Hear, I pray you, how much enhanced beyond your former is your present excellence, that you may more easily understand how much larger a measure of love you deserve, while you cease to claim only as much. 3. To begin my comparison of yourself to yourself with your dutifulness, I will mention your bygone devotion to your father, and contrast it with your present attention to duty. Who does not know that, when your father was unwell, you used to discontinue baths in order to keep him company, deny yourself wine, even water and food; that you never studied your own convenience in the matter of sleep or waking or food or exercise, but sacrificed everything to your father's convenience? . . . .

ad Anton.Imp. 1.5 [92 Hout; 2.122 Haines] Antonino Augusto domino meo. 1 “Ante gestum, post relatum”, ajunt, qui tabulas sedulo conficiunt. Idem verbum epistulae huic opportunum est, quae litteris tuis nuper ad me scriptis nunc demum respondet. Causa morae fuit, quod, cum rescribere instituissem, quaedam menti meae se offerebant non “supino”, ut dicitur, “rostro” scribenda. Dein senatus dies intercessit et in senatu labor eo gravior perceptus, quod cum gaudio semul altius penetraverat, ita ut cum sole ventus. Nunc haec epistula, quod non suo tempore praesto adfuerit, veniam in relationibus usitatam poscit: “Ne fraudi sit”. 2 Quom accepi litteras tuas, ita rescribere coeperam: “Ama me ut amas”, inquis. Huic verbo respondere paulo verbis pluribus in animo est; prolixius enim rescribere tibi tempore illo solebam, quo amatum te a me satis comperum tibi esse tute ostendis. Vide, quaeso, ne temet ipse defrudes et detrimentum amoris ultro poscas: Amplius enim tanto amari te a me velim credas mihi, quanto omnibus in rebus potior est certus paesens fructus quam futuri spes incerta. Egone, qui indolem ingeniei tui in germine etiam tum et in herba et in flore dilexerim, nunc frugem ipsam maturae virtutis nonne multo multoque amplius diligam? Tum ego stolidissimus habear agrestium omnium omniumque aratorum, si mihi cariora sint sata messibus. 3 Ego vero quae optavi, quaeque vovi, compos optatorum votorumque meorum damnatus atque multatus sum: In eam multam duplicatum amortem tuum defero, non, ut antiquitus multas inrogari mos fuit, mille minus dimidio. Assae nutricis est infantem magis diligere quam adultum; suscensere etiam pubertati stulta nutrix solet: Puerum de gremio sibi abductum et campo aut foro traditum. Litteratores etiam isti discipulos suos, quoad puerilia discunt et mercedem pendunt, magis diligunt. Ego quom ad curam cultumque ingeniei tuei accessi, hunc te speravi fore, qui nun es: In haec tua tempora amorem meum intendi. Lucebat in pueritia tua virtus insita, lucebat etiam magis in adulescentia, sed ita ut cum serenus dies inluculascit lumine incohato. Nunc jam virtus integra orbe splendido exorta est et radiis disseminata. Et tu me ad pristinam illam mensuram luciscentis amoris tui revocas et jubes matutina dilucula lucere leridie? Audi, quaeso, quanto ampliore nunc sis virtute, quam antea fueris, quo facilius credas, quanto amplius amoris merearis, et poscere desinas tantundem. 4 Ut a pietate contendere te tibimet incipiam, obsequia erga patrem tua pristina commemorabo eaque cum praesentibus officiis comparabo. Quis ignorat, ubi pater tuus minus valeret, te juxta cum eo carere balneo, vino, aqua etiam et cibo temet deducere solitum? Nulla umquam te neque somni neque vigiliae neque cibi neque itineris prope tua tempora habuisse, sed patris tempribus servisse? [permultae paginae desunt]