Letter 3.12

I will congratulate you first, for that is what the order of events demands, and then I will turn to myself. I warmly congratulate you on the result of the bribery trial. I do not mean on what no one ever doubted, your acquittal, but on something more remarkable: that although you are a better citizen, a more distinguished man, a more loyal friend, and a man marked by more signs of courage and industry, no hidden ill will, even under the cover of a secret ballot, was found bold enough to attack you. In our circumstances, with the men and morals of our day, that is barely believable. Nothing has struck me so much for a long time. Now as to myself, put yourself in my place for a moment and imagine yourself to be just what I am. If you can easily find what to say, do not excuse my hesitation. I would indeed hope for myself and for my Tullia, as you so kindly and courteously express your wishes, that what has been done by my family without my knowledge may turn out happily for us. But that the marriage happened at that particular time, I hope and desire it may not be wholly unhappy; still, it is your wisdom and kindness that give me more reason for hope than the timing itself does. So I do not know how to finish what I have begun to say. I ought not to make any gloomy remark about an event you honor with congratulations, and yet there is something in it that stings me. On this matter, however, there is one thing I am not afraid you fail to understand: what was done was done by others, to whom I had left instructions that during my absence they should not refer matters to me, but act on their own judgment. Here I am met by the question: "What would you have done if you had been at home?" I would have approved the match. As for the timing, I would have done nothing without your consent or without consulting you. You see how I have been sweating all this time under the difficult task of maintaining what I am bound to maintain and yet not offending you. Relieve me, then, of this burden, for I think I have never handled a more difficult case. Be sure of this in any event: if at that very time I had not already completed the whole business with the greatest zeal for preserving your highest reputation, then, although my old affection for you admits, I think, of no increase, once this marriage was announced to me I would have defended your honor not with greater zeal, but more sharply, openly, and conspicuously. On my way from my province, after completing my year of command, I was approaching Side by ship with Quintus Servilius when a letter from home was delivered to me on August 3. I immediately told Servilius, for he seemed somewhat disturbed, that he might expect greater exertions from me in every way. In short, I have not become at all better disposed toward you than I was, but I have become much more energetic in declaring that disposition. Our old disagreement made me more careful to avoid giving any ground for thinking our reconciliation was feigned; this new marriage connection gives me fresh anxiety to avoid any appearance that my extreme affection for you has diminished.

CCLXXIV (Fam. III, 12) TO APPIUS CLAUDIUS PULCHER (AT ROME) SIDA, 3 AUGUST: I WILL first congratulate you — for that is what the order of events demands: and then I will speak of myself. I do warmly congratulate you on the result of the trial for bribery, and not on what nobody ever had any doubt about — your acquittal — but on the fact which, the better citizen, the more illustrious man, the more loyal friend you are, the greater the marks of virtue and industry distinguishing you, is the more to be wondered at, namely, that no secret ill-will was found lurking even in the concealment of the ballot bold enough to attack you. It is a fact scarcely consistent with the circumstances, the men, and the morals of our day. I have not been so much struck by anything for a long time past. Now as to myself — for a moment put yourself in my place, and imagine yourself to be just what I am. If you have no difficulty in finding something to say, don't excuse my hesitation. I, indeed, would hope for myself and my Tullia , as you most kindly and politely express your wishes, that what has been done by my family without my knowledge may turn out to our happiness. But that the marriage happened to take place at that particular time — I hope and desire that it may not be wholly without happiness, yet after all it is your wisdom and kindness which gives me more ground for that hope than the opportuneness of it. Accordingly, I cannot think how to end what I have begun to say; for I ought not to make any gloomy remark on an event which you honour with your felicitations, and yet after all there is something in it which stings me. But in this matter there is one thing of which I am not afraid of your not being fully aware that what was done was done by others, to whom I have left a charge that during my absence they should not refer to me, but should act on their own judgment. Here I am met by the question, “What would you have done if you had been at home?” I should have approved of the match; as to the time, I should have done nothing without your consent, or without consulting you. You see how I have all this time been sweating under the hard task of finding how to maintain what I am bound to maintain, and yet not offend you. Relieve me, then, of this burden: for I think I have never handled a more difficult cause. Be sure of this in any case: had I not at that very time already completed the whole business with the greatest zeal for the maintenance of your highest reputation — although I think my old affection for you admits of no addition — yet when this marriage was announced to me, I should have defended your honour, not indeed with greater zeal, but more keenly, openly, and markedly. On my way from my province, after the conclusion of my year of command, as I was approaching Sida on board ship, accompanied by Q. Servilius , a letter from home was delivered to me on the 3rd of August. I at once told Servilius — for he seemed somewhat put out — that he might expect greater exertions on my part in all ways. In short: I have not become at all better disposed to you than I was, but I have become much more energetic in declaring my good disposition. For as our old difference made me more on my guard against giving any ground for thinking our reconciliation feigned, so this new marriage connexion gives me fresh anxiety to avoid the appearance of any diminution of my extreme affection for you.

XII. Scr. Sidae a. d. III. Nonas Sextiles a.u.c. 704. M. CICERO AP. PULCHRO S. Gratulabor tibi prius—ita enim rerum ordo postulat—, deinde ad me convertar. Ego vero vehementer gratulor de iudicio ambitus, neque id, quod nemini dubium fuit, absolutum esse te, sed illud, quod, quo melior civis, quo vir clarior, quo fortior amicus es quoque plura virtutis, industriae ornamenta in te sunt, eo mirandum est magis, nullam ne in tabellae quidem latebra fuisse absconditam malevolentiam, quae te impugnare auderet: non horum temporum, non horum hominum atque morum negotium; nihil iam sum pridem admiratus magis. De me autem, suscipe paullisper meas partes et eum te esse finge, qui sum ego: si facile inveneris, quid dicas, noli ignoscere haesitationi meae. Ego vero velim mihi Tulliaeque meae, sicut tu amicissime et suavissime optas, prospere evenire ea, quae me insciente facta sunt a meis; sed ita cecidisse, ut agerentur eo tempore, spero omnino cum aliqua felicitate et opto, verumtamen plus me in hac spe tua sapientia et humanitas consolatur quam opportunitas temporis: itaque, quemadmodum expediam exitum huius institutae orationis, non reperio; neque enim tristius dicere quidquam debeo ea de re, quam tu ipse ominibus optimis rosequeris, neque non me tamen mordet aliquid. In quo unum non vereor, ne tu parum perspicias ea, quae gesta sunt, ab aliis esse gesta, quibus ego ita mandaram, ut, cum tam longe afuturus essem, ad me ne referrent, agerent, quod probassent. In hoc autem mihi illud occurrit: "quid tu igitur, si affuisses?" rem probassem, de tempore, nihil te invito, nihil sine consilio egissem tuo. Vides sudare me iamdudum laborantem, quomodo ea tuear, quae mihi tuenda sunt, ut te non offendam: leva me igitur hoc onere; numquam enim mihi videor tractasse causam difficiliorem. Sic habeto tamen: nisi iam tunc omnia negotia cum summa tua dignitate diligentissime confecissem, tametsi nihil videbatur ad meum erga te pristinum studium addi posse, tamen hac mihi affinitate nuntiata non maiore equidem studio, sed acrius, apertius, significantius dignitatem tuam defendissem. Decedenti mihi et iam imperio annuo terminato ante d. III. Nonas Sext., cum ad Sidam navi accederem et mecum Q. Servilius esset, litterae a meis sunt redditae: dixi statim Servilio—etenim videbatur esse commotus—, ut omnia a me maiora exspectaret; quid multa? benevolentior tibi, quam fui, nihilo sum factus, diligentior ad declarandam benevolentiam multo; nam, ut vetus nostra simultas antea stimulabat me, ut caverem, ne cui suspicionem ficte reconciliatae gratiae darem, sic affinitas nova nunc curam mihi affert cavendi, ne quid de summo meo erga te amore detractum esse videatur.