Letter 14.3

I received three letters from Aristocritus, and I nearly washed them out with tears. I am broken by grief, my Terentia. My own miseries do not torture me more than yours and our children's. I am more wretched than you, though you are most wretched, because the disaster is shared by us both, but the fault is mine alone. It was my duty either to avoid the danger by accepting a legation, or to resist it with care and resources, or to fall bravely. Nothing could have been more miserable, more shameful, or more unworthy of us than what happened. So I am crushed not only by grief but by shame. I am ashamed that I did not show courage and diligence for my excellent wife and sweetest children. Day and night I see before my eyes your mourning, your tears, and the weakness of your health. The hope of safety appears very slight. There are many enemies, and almost everyone is jealous. It was a great thing to drive me out; keeping me out is easy. Still, as long as you have hope, I will not give way, so that everything may not seem to have fallen through my fault. As for your anxiety that I be safe, that is now very easy for me; even my enemies want me to live amid these great miseries. Yet I will do what you tell me. I have thanked the friends you wanted thanked. I have delivered the letters to Dexippus and said that you had told me of their kindness. I myself see, and everyone tells me, that our Piso has shown astonishing zeal and kindness toward us. May the gods grant that, together with you and our children, I may enjoy the presence of such a son-in-law. For now our one remaining hope lies in the new tribunes, and even that only in the first days of their office. If the matter grows stale, everything is over for us. For that reason I have sent Aristocritus back to you at once, so that you can write to me immediately about the first official steps taken and the progress of the whole affair. I have also ordered Dexippus to hurry back here at once, and I have sent word to my brother to dispatch letter-carriers frequently. The reason I am at Dyrrachium now is so that I may hear as quickly as possible what is being done. I am in no personal danger, for this town has always been protected by me. When I am told that enemies are on their way here, I will withdraw into Epirus. As for your coming to me, as you say you will if I wish it, I know that a large part of this burden is supported by you, and I would rather you remain where you are. If you succeed in your effort, I must come to you. If not, but I need not write the rest. From your first letter, or at most your second, I will be able to decide what I must do. Only be sure to tell me everything in the greatest detail, though I should now be looking for practical action rather than a letter. Take care of your health. Be sure that nothing is or ever has been dearer to me than you. Farewell, my dear Terentia, whom I seem to see before my eyes, so that I dissolve in tears. Farewell.

LXXXIII (Fam. XIV, 3) TO TERENTIA (AT ROME) DYRRACHIUM, 29 NOVEMBER: Greetings to his Terentia , Tulliola , and Cicero . I have received three letters from the hands of Aristocritus , which I almost obliterated with tears. For I am thoroughly weakened with sorrow, my dear Terentia , and it is not my own miseries that torture me more than yours — and yours, my children! Moreover, I am more miserable than you in this, that whereas the disaster is shared by us both, yet the fault is all my own. It was my duty to have avoided the danger by accepting a legation, or to resist it by careful management and the resources at my command, or to fall like a brave man. Nothing was more pitiful, more base, or more unworthy of myself than the line I actually took. Accordingly, it is with shame as well as grief that I am overpowered. For I am ashamed of not having exhibited courage and care to a most excellent wife and most darling children. I have, day and night, before my eyes the mourning dresses, the tears of you all, and the weakness of your own health, while the hope of recall presented to me is slender indeed. Many are hostile, nearly all jealous. To expel me had been difficult, to keep me out is easy. However, as long as you entertain any hope, I will not give way, lest all should seem lost by my fault. As to your anxiety for my personal safety, that is now the easiest thing in the world for me, for even my enemies desire me to go on living in this utter wretchedness. I will, however, do as you bid me. I have thanked the friends you desired me to thank, and I have delivered the letters to Dexippus , and have mentioned that you had informed me of their kindness. That our Piso has shown surprising zeal and kindness to us I can see for myself, but everybody also tells me of it. God grant that I may be allowed, along with you and our children, to enjoy the actual society of such a son-in-law! For the present our one remaining hope is in the new tribunes, and that, too, in the first days of their office; if the matter is allowed to get stale, it is all over with us. It is for that reason that I have sent Aristocritus back to you at once, in order that you may be able to write to me on the spot as to the first official steps taken, and the progress of the whole business; although I have also given Dexippus orders to hurry back here at once, and I have sent a message to my brother to despatch letter-carriers frequently. For the professed object of my being at Dyrrachium at the present juncture is that I may hear as speedily as possible what is being done; and I am in no personal danger, for this town has always been defended by me. When I am told that enemies are on their way here I shall retire into Epirus . As to your coming to me, as you say you will if I wish it — for my part, knowing that a large part of this burden is supported by you, I should like you to remain where you are. If you succeed in your attempt I must come to you: but if, on the other hand — but I needn't write the rest. From your first, or at most, your second letter, I shall be able to decide what I must do. Only be sure you tell me everything with the greatest minuteness, although I ought now to be looking out for some practical step rather than a letter. Take care of your health, and assure yourself that nothing is or has ever been dearer to me than you are. Good-bye, my dear Terentia , whom I seem to see before my eyes, and so am dissolved in tears. Good-bye! 29 November.

III. Scr. Dyrrhachii pr. Kal. Dec. a.u.c. 696. TULLIUS S. D. TERENTIAE SUAE ET TULLIAE ET CICERONI. Accepi ab Aristocrito tres epistulas, quas ego lacrimis prope delevi; conficior enim maerore, mea Terentia, nec meae me miseriae magis excruciant quam tuae vestraeque, ego autem hoc miserior sum quam tu, quae es miserrima, quod ipsa calamitas communis est utriusque nostrum, sed culpa mea propria est. Meum fuit officium vel legatione vitare periculum vel diligentia et copiis resistere vel cadere fortiter: hoc miserius, turpius, indignius nobis nihil fuit. Quare cum dolore conficior, tum etiam pudore: pudet enim me uxori meae optimae, suavissimis liberis virtutem et diligentiam non praestitisse; nam mihi ante oculos dies noctesque versatur squalor vester et maeror et infirmitas valetudinis tuae, spes autem salutis pertenuis ostenditur. Inimici sunt multi, invidi paene omnes: eiicere nos magnum fuit, excludere facile est; sed tamen, quamdiu vos eritis in spe, non deficiam, ne omnia mea culpa cecidisse videantur. Ut tuto sim, quod laboras, id mihi nunc facillimum est, quem etiam inimici volunt vivere in his tantis miseriis; ego tamen faciam, quae praecipis. Amicis, quibus voluisti, egi gratias et eas litteras Dexippo dedi meque de eorum officio scripsi a te certiorem esse factum. Pisonem nostrum mirifico esse studio in nos et officio et ego perspicio et omnes praedicant: di faxint, ut tali genero mihi praesenti tecum simul et cum liberis nostris frui liceat! Nunc spes reliqua est in novis tribunis pl. et in primis quidem diebus; nam, si inveterarit, actum est. Ea re ad te statim Aristocritum misi, ut ad me continuo initia rerum et rationem totius negotii posses scribere, etsi Dexippo quoque ita imperavi, statim ut recurreret, et ad fratrem misi, ut crebro tabellarios mitteret; nam ego eo nomine sum Dyrrhachii hoc tempore, ut quam celerrime, quid agatur, audiam, et sum tuto; civitas enim haec semper a me defensa est. Cum inimici nostri venire dicentur, tum in Epirum ibo. Quod scribis te, si velim, ad me venturam, ego vero, cum sciam magnam partem istius oneris abs te sustineri, te istic esse volo. Si perficitis, quod agitis, me ad vos venire oportet; sin autem—sed nihil opus est reliqua scribere. Ex primis aut summum secundis litteris tuis constituere poterimus, quid nobis faciendum sit: tu modo ad me velim omnia diligentissime perscribas, etsi magis iam rem quam litteras debeo exspectare. Cura, ut valeas et ita tibi persuadeas, mihi te carius nihil esse nec umquam fuisse. Vale, mea Terentia; quam ego videre videor: itaque debilitor lacrimis. Vale. Pr. Kal. Dec.